The DOMO Times â€” Vol. XXXVI

Editions Vol. XXXVI — Mar 9 ■ This Edition Vol. XXXVII — Mar 10 Vol. XXXVIII — Mar 11

Breaking HANDCUFF SELLS OUT AMONG ECONOMISTS WHO CLAIM NOT TO UNDERSTAND THE METAPHOR ••• GREY PIGGY BANK REPORTS IT HAS NEVER BEEN OPENED ••• PAPER BOAT COMPLETES SUCCESSFUL CROSSING OF KITCHEN SINK ••• SILENCE AFTER SCREAM WINS "LOUDEST OBJECT IN ROOM" FOR THIRD YEAR RUNNING ••• KEY TO FREEDOM STILL SOLD SEPARATELY, ALWAYS HAS BEEN ••• DOMO LAB DENIES EXISTENCE, CONFIRMS EXISTENCE BY DENYING IT ••• WEALTH GAP NAMED OBJECT OF THE YEAR BY PEOPLE WHO BENEFIT FROM IT ••• HANDCUFF SELLS OUT AMONG ECONOMISTS WHO CLAIM NOT TO UNDERSTAND THE METAPHOR ••• GREY PIGGY BANK REPORTS IT HAS NEVER BEEN OPENED ••• PAPER BOAT COMPLETES SUCCESSFUL CROSSING OF KITCHEN SINK ••• SILENCE AFTER SCREAM WINS "LOUDEST OBJECT IN ROOM" FOR THIRD YEAR RUNNING •••

■ Exclusive Investigation

Economy Designs New Object;
No One Surprised

The Cuff, DOMO's most honest product yet, arrives pre-fitted on every wrist in the lower three income quintiles

By Our Economic Correspondent • DOMO Investigative Desk

In what analysts are calling "extremely on brand," the Department of Miscellaneous Objects has released The Cuff (D.O.M.O-036, â‚¹111), a set of handcuffs made from Corruption, Refined, available exclusively through the department's website â€” and nowhere else, because nowhere else would have the nerve.

The product, which ships without a key, has already been named "Most Accurate Souvenir of the Modern Economy" by three publications that do not exist but should.

"The wealth gap is not a crack in the system," said no official spokesperson, because DOMO does not have one. "It is the system. We simply noticed it and made it available for â‚¹111."

"Labor makes more capital for capital. You were born on the wrong side of that sentence."

â€” The Cuff, Product Description, D.O.M.O-036

The Cuff, rendered by our staff illustrator who asked to remain anonymous for reasons the product itself explains.

■ DOMO Catalogue Update

Piggy Bank Has Never Once Been Opened, Sources Confirm

Staff Reporter

The Grey Piggy Bank (D.O.M.O-033, â‚¹206) continues its unbroken streak of never having been opened. "It is strong. Don't worry," reads the official product material specification. No further elaboration was provided or needed.

Economists have called the pig "the most honest financial advisor currently available at this price point."

■ Weather

✦ Objects in the News ✦

■ Maritime Report

Paper Boat Completes Historic Voyage; Returns Wetter Than It Left

Maritime Desk

The Paper Boat (D.O.M.O-034, â‚¹343) completed what observers are calling "the most emotionally resonant crossing of a kitchen sink in recent memory." Available in six colours â€” Faded Blue, Bureaucratic Red, White of Surrender, Dark Green, Glow in the Dark, and Glow Yellow â€” each variant represents a different shade of the same departure.

"Remember when you were young," reads the era specification. No further context was provided. None was needed.

■ Urban Affairs

Silence After Scream Found Behind Every Building; Nobody Heard Anything

City Desk

Silence After The Scream (D.O.M.O-035, â‚¹666) continues to be the department's most uncomfortable product, which is, per the official packaging, "the product working correctly." The object is made of A Very Rare Steak and has been in production Since Cities Learned to Look Away.

A notice affixed to the product reads: "If this product makes you uncomfortable, that is the product working correctly." Sales have been robust among people who then put it in a drawer and don't look at it.

"Nobody heard anything. Feet kept moving."

â€” Silence After The Scream, Product Copy

View Object — â‚¹666 →

■ DOMO Dispatch

Department Confirms It Simply "Noticed" Things; Denies Designing Them

DOMO Affairs Correspondent

The Department of Miscellaneous Objects, operating from a Secret DOMO Lab whose location continues to be listed only as "Secret DOMO Lab," issued a non-statement this week confirming that it did not design the economy, the silence, the cuff, or the gap. It simply noticed them.

"We make objects," the non-statement read. "Objects make statements. We are not responsible for what the statements say. We are only responsible for the objects."

✦ Advertisements ✦

✦ Forthcoming Objects ✦

■ DOMO Lab Leak

DOMO Lab Confirms Three New Objects
"Coming When They're Ready"

Investigative Desk • Unverified Sources

A document allegedly leaked from the Secret DOMO Lab â€” whose location remains Secret DOMO Lab â€” suggests three objects are in development. The department has neither confirmed nor denied this, which is how the department confirms things.

Letters to the Editor

"I purchased The Cuff and placed it on my desk. My colleagues asked what it was. I said it was a metaphor. They said that was a real handcuff. I said yes."
â€” A. Customer, Mumbai

"The Grey Piggy Bank has been on my shelf for six months. I have put money in it. I have not taken money out. I am not sure why. The pig seems content."
â€” R. Sharma, Delhi

"My paper boat sailed to the edge of the sink and back. I watched it the whole time. I am 34 years old. I cried a little."
â€” Name Withheld, Bangalore

✦ Classified Notices ✦

Personal & Miscellaneous Notices

Lost & FoundLost: one key. Last seen with people who inherited it. Reward: the concept of fairness. Contact: DOMO Lab (location: Secret).

For SaleOne grey piggy bank, slightly full, never opened. Seller unsure of contents. "Strong. Don't worry." â‚¹206 or best offer.

WantedSeeking individuals who have never needed the economy to explain itself. Must be comfortable with ambiguity. Position: customer.

AnnouncementThe Department of Miscellaneous Objects is pleased to announce it exists. It was not always certain of this. It is now. Objects available at domo.store.

NoticePaper Boat, Glow in the Dark variant, last seen crossing the Yamuna in someone's imagination. If found, handle with care. Emotions still wet.

Position AvailableDOMO Lab seeks experienced Noticer of Things. Must be comfortable with silence, handcuffs (metaphorical), and objects that ask questions. No key provided.

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